Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
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