Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
