I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
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