Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
