All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
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