She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch