im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Haha its fine we ask know it. He's still cool thought
Focus on the keyboard man. Focusssss
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
