New low: just hacked my moms facebook
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
We just shotgunned beers for America
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Randomize
