Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.