i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
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The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
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Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...