woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
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