saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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