Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I don't remember anything from last night, but at track I found my thong next to the high jump pit... So it must has been decent
Randomize
