When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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