he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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