guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
