Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
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