one might say we're banned from that church
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Randomize
