how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
