If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
