i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
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