my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
My head is pounding and I need an ice pack for my vag. Successful friendsgiving!
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
