I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
...., I just tried brushing my hair wothh a toothbrushg. fail
ps not my toothbrush awkward.
sarcasm needs its own font
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
