Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
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