The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
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Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
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My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
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