4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
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