Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
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I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
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I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
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Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
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