Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
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