I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
