I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
Randomize
