i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
