If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
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Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
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i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
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