good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
how do chicks with those acryllic nails wipe their anuses?
I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
