shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
is it really high of me to have brought my own hot sauce to wendys?
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
