and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
laughing at 16 and pregnant while fucking w/o a condom....
i always knew you were classy
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
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