I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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