Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Randomize
