I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
I woke up with my converse still on and a plate of pasta next to my face, if that gives you any indication of how my night went
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
