Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
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