can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
Randomize
