omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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