my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Makes Sense, i generally dont want the same person two days in a row. Its like what i pick for supper, i like variety
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
i repeatedly had to ask him if he was into this because he kept talking about random things while i jerked him off. i got annoyed and in order to annoy him back, i told him i wanted to watch him do it. he also talked about basketball WHILE cumming. NEVER AGAIN.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
