I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
I am certain that you would be a mere freckle on the behemoth of slutty that has taken place at this complex.
Randomize
