I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I'm definitely not going to be able to fuck him high. I won't be able to not laugh at his man boobs
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Randomize
