So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
