its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Help. Why am I so naked?
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