your thong is hanging out like whoa
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
apparently when we were gone the parents play strip connect 4
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Randomize
