They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
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