Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Princesses don't give blow jobs
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
Randomize
