So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
I would let him fuck me right here in this laundromat. Praise Satan.
Randomize
