remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
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