i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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