I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
Randomize
