I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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