We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
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You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
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drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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