oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
He tried to get me to go back to his place on the condition that he has 6 cats. I was very tempted but I said no. Hoping to go see the cats tomorrow
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
