I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
