I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Don't look him in the eyes, it like looking at the sun but instead of burning your retinas it makes you wet and vulnerable
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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