May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
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